Desire

I have made a decision. I want to keep my eyes on Jesus. After this last relationship blow out, I am tired of being used. So Jesus, You have never let me down. You don't want anything from me but my love and loyalty. So I am done trying to find a relationship with a man who will meet my expectations. I am going to let You lead.

So I went on a date last night. You know, somewhere in the Bible it says to test all things to see if it is from Him.  Ya. Last night was NOT. :(

I met a guy at church who has the most awesome name on the planet. AND he was raised by Christians AND he was loved by them.  So I thought, ok, Jesus. I will go out with him.

Alas, he is not what I had hoped for. And boy was Satan plaguing me.

I want to feel a strong man's arms around me.

We get to the place he wanted to go to. It is right by the water. The wind it up because we were expecting some severe weather. The water was choppy with the waves hitting the banks pretty hard. I love weather like this. My hair was flying around.  My hair actually looked nice.

He pulls me into an embrace. Man oh man, he is strong. His muscles are clearly defined. He has no tats that I am aware. Truth be told, I didn't look to hard either. He is a Church Man. Church Men from his generation don't get tats.  Maybe I should have looked better.

Anyway, I crave an embrace of strength like his. To feel safe and protected. At first, that is how I felt. But I was stiff. I couldn't relax my muscles. I had a knot in my tummy. Something didn't feel right. I pushed it to the back of my mind. I am with a fellow believer! He loves Jesus like me. He wants what Jesus wants... like me.

And he started kissing me. He kissed my neck where the curve to my shoulder is.  I am thinking... mmmm that feels good but wait... this isn't what I wanted. I started talking. Of course. I tend to chatter. I really get talkative when I am uneasy.  I want this! I want to feel desireable. I want to feel a man's lips on my skin. I want my skin to tingle with want.

I was talking about Sabbth School. I was speaking about how Jesus wants us to treat people. Respect, understanding. He stopped and responded to what I was saying. He agreed with me. Then he would say, You are so beautiful. I love how you smell.

HOW I SMELL?!  I barely remembered to put deoderant on. It is muggy because of the humity and how warm it is. I smell good? Really?

He went back to kissing on my neck. No lingering kisses--thankfully. I can't abide by hickeys. They are ugly and make me feel like I am a cheap whore.

He pulls me into a closer embrace. I can feel his whole body along mine. He has now moved up to my ear and oh my does that feel nice. I can feel my body starting to respond. I know my panties were moist. I could feel desire well up inside of me. I knew my nipples were hard. Wow am I that easily turned on? My ears are my weak point. I thought, Jesus this isn't what I want. But it feels SO good.  If I give in, I could have my appetite satiated. I have been wanting a good romp. BUT I made a decision and I want to stick to it. I NEED to stick to it. I NEED to know I have value to my partner. I NEED to know that I am not just to scratch an itch.

He turns me around. I can feel him through our jeans. That desire is getting stronger by the second. EVERY time he kisses me, and he is doing a good job, I am feeling my resolve slip. But I am praying! Jesus I don't want this like this! I don't want to just be a quick lay.

I can feel that he would please me and it wouldn't be as hard as it has been for my previous lovers.  I desparately want to put my hands on him. I want to feel everything.

He turns me around again and tries to kiss my mouth. I move my head back and clearly say no. Where did that strength come from.  He pulls back and he apologizes for being agressive.

REALLY! Agressive? Dude that is NOT agressive. That was passionate, possesive, seductive, alluring. This is NOT your first rodeo. You have done your homework for sure on the human body and how it responds. I KNOW you know what you are doing and I also know you KNEW how I was responding. Which makes him want more.

I tell him, I can't do this. I can't go down this path. I want Jesus. I want to be a Jesus wife, mom, woman. I want what He wants. I want true love-- Jesus love! I want agape. Not eros. Not philos. Agape. I want to know I am your best friend as well as lover. I want to unite in ministry and be about His business. I want the passion. I want the fireworks. I want to feel sexy and desireable. I want to hear you tell me I have soft skin. I want to hear my breasts are perfect.

BUT NO! Not like this. I want to be about His business. The pleasure comes as a reward for His business not before.  Everytime I do before, I am robbed later. My self worth is stolen from me. My sense of value and purpose... gone. Then I am left as a shell. I do not want to feel that way again.

Then he starts kissing me again. He has moved to the v in my tshirt. Oh does that feel incredible. His strong hands have cupped my breasts. He does a slight squeeze... just to get my senses excited. How did he get to my nipple?! My bra is padded! And yet he did. I feel more moisture in my panties. Oh Lord, I want this! I want to be loved to the point of exhaustion. I want to feel him more! But no! Lord, NO! I want YOU more!

That feels so good. One of his hands is in my hair massaging the back of my head as he has moved his kisses to my jaw. He starts nibbling on my other ear. I know I made a noise. Sharp intake of breath and a small should have been inaudible yet I knew he heard it. His increased the pressure of his kisses.

He picks me up in his arms to make me more comfortable. Those muscles! I felt the ripple. He didn't even grunt. Oh my oh my. That desire that started as flame in my tummy is getting warmer. How easy it would be to just give him. To kiss him! To kiss his hands. Then his strong latin jaw. Over his mariachi mustache with the grey peppered in. And to be taken over by his mouth on mine. There is electricity there. Chemistry is totally there!

But I hold off. No! I can't! I can NOT do this! Lord, help me! Make this stop. It feels SO good but I can't do this right now. This isn't what HE wants for me!

SP is back to kissing along my tshirt. Oh Jesus that feels so good. I want this man! I want to feel more! I want to be taken NOW!  Never did I truly understand that sense of building desire. I can feel his rock hard penis through his jeans on my leg. I am ashamed! I want to feel him IN me!

But I realize where I am. There are people here. We can't do this here! That is indecent! AND I DO NOT WANT THIS! I push him back gently. No SP. I just can't allow this. I simply can't.

I am fighting my tears as I say this to SP. I want this but this isn't what I REALLY want. I want Jesus. I want what Jesus has for me. If I accept this and go this route, then I will loose my "inheritance" and I will be lost to Him forever. I can't do that to myself!

We go back to talking about the Bible. We talk about the people in the church. I don't know why I trust him to say what I was saying. I don't want anything to think I am judging. I am not. I am simply voicing my thoughts. People in our church pray for God to do this in this person's life And to do that in that person's life. Not once do I hear, Lord do what YOU think is best and help us to simply trust.

SP tells me he used to bring families to the church but no one would talk to them or reach out. So he quit. I told him that is shameful. Why can our church family not see this? Hospitality! This church needs a true revival but not in bringing the outsiders in. This church needs to see Jesus for what He wants.

I told SP, I think that is why God put me here. I am a mover and a shaker. These people need to have a greater love! Personal Ministries needs to work on our members first not trying to bring the neighborhood in the doors. There is a nurturing aspect being missed out on. SP agreed with me. He has gorgeous eyes. Multi-colored with flecks. Mmmm

What is he hiding? He says this doesn't need to be discussed at church. WHAT?! What do you mean? Are you hiding something? Is our church truly full of gossips? What is he about?

Then he starts kissing on me again. Back to my ears. He knows he gets a response so naturally he goes there. He holds me close to him again. He has me stretch my body along his leaning against the side of the table. Mmmm does that feel good. I feel him through our jeans again and I am back to that rush of desire. I want him. But NO!!! I can't want him. He isn't mine to want.

He now has moved my tshirt down so he can kiss more. That feels so incredibly delicious. I know he can feel my warmth because he is reacting to it. He is massaging my lower back which makes me melt into him.  I close my eyes to enjoy the senses. I can imaging laying down. I can imagine him taking my clothes off and kissing more and moving down. His level of intensity is perfect. He knows just the right touch. His hands pull me closer into him as he is working in my shoulder blades. That is so lovely.

Then I felt sharp bites on one of my feet. We were standing in a red ant pile. So I hop back and move to the other side of the table and take my shoes off.  I beat the ants off of me and roll my jeans up to get them off of me. SP wants to help but I stop him. I point out his own shoes need attention. So he addresses it. He said he let me down by not keeping me safe. I am thinking from the ants? No it is you I need to be wary of.

Why did I let this keep on?

Then he said lets go back to the cars. So I am thinking, yup. I need to go home. The sun is starting to set and it is beautiful. The clouds are getting thicker and lower. The wind is picking up. SP thinks I am cold but I assure him I am not. He leans against his van and pulls me close. And starts kissing me again. He tries for my mouth but I say no again. I know the river that will roll forth if I do. There will be NO stopping me! So he holds me even closer. He has one hand in my hair as he is kissing on my ear and my jaw line. Then he is back along the tshirt line. And he has grabbed my butt in his other hand lifts me up on him. He would fit perfect inside of me. He would fit just right and hit the spot just right. He starts moving me and oh Lord OH LORD it feels good but NO!
NO!
NO!
NO!
Please stop! God please make this stop! I can NOT do this! Please Jesus. I am crying out in my heart and head. Jesus please help me! This need... this desire is filling my senses. I can smell him. I can taste him, I can feel his skin on mine. OH JESUS!

I can feel him get harder. I feel how I am moving on him. I can feel the tip of his penis through my jeans. OH JESUS I want to get at him. But I am silently scream no!

SP is moving himself right over my spot. Oh I can feel the warmth. I can feel my heart beating faster. I can feel the rush of sensation. Is it possible for me to experience this kind of pleasure this way? This has NEVER happened to me. He makes groans in my ear. OH another weakness. The response. The sound just makes my blood rush more. He moves me up and down faster and faster. I am feeling my cresendo. I am feeling that orgasmic rush. The real kind. The kind that makes me want more and more! He moves me faster... my hair comes completely undone and now my hair is free from the knot I had it in. Oh Jesus I want more. I want him in me! I want to sweat. I want to pant! I want to feel more! I don't want this to stop. I want more. Oh Jesus help me, PLEASE!

I can feel when he releases. I didn't dare look at him or at the front of his jeans. I know if I look, he will have a spot. That will get me going more. I will not have ANY self control.  He growls in my ear he has a bed in the van. He asks if I want to see it. This is what I needed to hear. I take a step back. I can NOT look in his face. I can't look at him and see more of his desire. I need release. I need that BIG O. I need to sleep tonight. I say no very quiet. I know he heard me. I can't look at him. It is taking all my strength to not shake. It is taking all my strength to not cry. Jesus. Why? Why couldn't he be a good Christian Man? Why did I go here?

I have been avoiding this temptation. I want to feel more. I want that desire where I can't get enough. I want to be pinned down and ravished. I want to sweat. I want him to sweat. I want to take him in my mouth and listen to his heart skip a beat. I want to hear the soft moan and the groan of desire for me. I want to kiss his face. I want to kiss his chest. I want to take him inside of me. I want him to take me.

BUT this is NOT from you. :( This is not for me.

I feel cheap. I feel used. I feel like I have no more value than to provide sex and that is it. I have nothing to offer society. I am a nothing.

My dad was right. I will never amount to anything.

I went home. I took a hot shower. We don't have the pressure for scalding hot although that is what I wanted. I scrubbed myself hard from head to toe. I can't smell him. I can't feel him. I need to get him off of me. How do I get him out of my head?

Jesus, I have to see him at church next Sabbath. How can I go? I am going to cry.

Time for wine.