This is in response to my first devotional reading of "The Rock, The Road, and the Rabbi" by Kathy Lee Gifford.

How has my perspective on the value and relevance of God's Word changed over the course of my life? As I have celebrated more birthdays, I am realizing how much more secure I am feeling about myself if I pursue Jesus the way I used to pursue family and relationships. I feel more satisfied with myself and my decisions. 

What do you think brought about that change in perspective? When I divorced Jeff, my heart was so broken. I couldn't blame him. :( I was not close to Jesus until that night. I cried and cried and cried. My mom decided I was moving back to Texas. The whole time, I was begging Jesus to just love me. I felt no value. I wanted to die not by my own hand but I wanted to die. The next 6 months of being down and hurt and lost, I prayed. I didn't go to church. I didn't see the reason. Then, the Holy Spirit prompted me to go to work. I was with my mom in Boerne shopping. I saw a sign at Denny's and applied to be a waitress. I started my healing process.

When I turned 25, I decided I had enough of this same paycheck to paycheck kinda life. My prayer life was slowly getting better. I was attending church regularly. I was in a relationship where I expected to be married. I was in a position to be a leader. Someone said, "In order to get to know someone, you spend time with them, right? You call them. You talk to them. You spend time with them?" Yeah, I agreed. Then he said why would we not do the same with Jesus? HOW will get to know Him if we don't read about Him and talk to Him through prayer? That instilled a sense of change for me. Then, my church offered a free Bible if we committed to reading through a Chronological daily Bible Reading program. So I committed. I finally read through the entire Bible! I had never done that before. Now, I read through the Bible every year. This has caused a significant change in who I am. 

How does time with God and His Word currently fit into your day? I try to listen to my Bible Passage every morning before I go to work. Most of the time, I miss out. So I try to fit it in at work. I will be honest here. I don't make it for a couple of days. I do not allow myself to fall far behind. I DO pray everyday. I also read Bible devotions that make it into my email.

What attitude do you want to have in regard to spending time in prayer and studying the Bible? I want to be INTENTIONAL! I want to intentionally listen or read my lesson. I want to INTENTIONALLY respond and worship.  Jesus has been telling me to simply trust Him and I have been reaping soooo many blessings.

How is understanding the truth of God’s Word an important part of growing in your relationship with God? God has NEVER let me down. I have let Him down many many times. I know I will let Him down in the future. BUT my understanding of God is that He will ALWAYS take me back. He will ALWAYS love me! He will NEVER give up on me. God is my anchor!

What needs to change in your life to make time with God more of a priority? I am going to be INTENTIONAL. This is a skill I want to develop more in myself as a leader and as a daughter of the King!

Feels just right

What a fantastic day! Ya I wasted a bit of time talking with my co-workers... we all do that. I was able to work on my queue and get it in a bit better shape. I feel as though I just MIGHT get caught up.

I had a date tonight. Oh wow! I met him last night for coffee at Calypso. He was a total gentleman. He has a mellow tone. He has beautiful eyes. I dare say his eyesight might be a bit worse than mine. He has an Irish chin with a dimple. When he walked to his car, he smiled at me and he has dimples in his cheeks. YES! <3

He has a german jaw line.

He pulls me closer to him when a car was whizzing by. He wanted to make sure I was safe. Sigh. He has incredibly strong arms. Oh how I have longed for a tight embrace. His filled that desire.  He let me go. Then another car goes by... He holds me close again. When the third car went by, I started to figure his plan. So I didn't go too far from him.

He smells so clean. He has a very handsome face. I am trying to pinpoint some of the origins but I am having a hard time. It could be due to the fact that I am exhausted. We shall see what the future holds.

So he positions me right in front of him. I just know he is going to kiss me. Do I want him too?

Yes!

He pulls me closer when another car drives by and says I don't think I am going to let you back away this time. He voice was low, smooth... a slight excited shiver goes through me.

He leans in for the kiss and I tell him I really like him.

WHAT A KISS! He is confident, a tad agressive, definitely possessive (in a good way). OH so yum. He put his hand on the base of my neck and holds me close. He teases me just right. This is SO nice.

He backs off a little bit. He asks me questions. He likes to be in control. Yet... I can sense something else to him

Back into the kissing. I put my hands on his back and start to rub a little where his shoulder blades are. He smells SO clean. His kisses make me feel accepted and wanted. It isn't like I am a piece of meat. I haven't put in a whole lot of effort to kiss him back. I am responding but not like I want too.

Comfort

I can still smell him in my hair. The spicy musk and clean.

Closing my eyes, I can feel him running his fingers through my hair. The strength in his hands when he rubs my back. 

I love his touch when he softly strokes my cheek.

The small sounds of pleasure he makes when I kiss his jaw-line by his ear. 

I take his scent in.

He touches my forehead with his... I sense a longing. Not just the chemistry, but the companionship. He attempts to hide that side. But it's too late, I already saw it.

He pulls my face to him and bites my lip. I can feel his heartbeat.  He takes command of me. All I can think is how much I want him.

He adjusts me so I'm more comfortable. I can feel him through my jeans.

The desire is almost tangible. He gets harder when I inhaled audibly.  My heart beat faster.

I want to unbutton his jeans, but I know I can't. My fingers skim the top of his jeans. I feel him suck his tummy in. He growls in my ear.

Tempting!  I want totouch him, but I stop myself.

Not like this.

Am I as stupid as my dad says I am?

I thought things would be finally different. I thought when I got married, I could stop looking for somewhere else to live. I thought someone wants me so I can stop being afraid.... Ya. Right.

Every time I met a guy, same story. Same thought process. I thought things would be better. Every time, I start over. Every time, I feel stupid. And I wonder if my dad was right. I have nothing to offer anyone.

One pastor told me I would never make it as a leader. What he right?

I feel stupid. I wonder if my dad was right. I will never amount to anything.